(We’ve got a guest contribution from Assman over at the Airing of Grievances. Poor dude’s a Raider fan.)
Given that I’m not a Steeler fan and that my favorite team doesn’t have a 2009 SuperBowl trophy in its headquarters, you can expect this to be somewhat less smarmy, unbearably self-aggrandizing and optimistic. You can also expect this to end with a sentence other than “we look forward to the season,” or “happy football everyone.” I’m a Raider fan. My expectations of 2010 are slightly worse than Michael Jackson’s.
Rather than regaling you with tales of our fantastical magic success, our long haired safeties that deserve blowjobs from all mortal men and our non-motorcycle-helmet-wearing quarterback with a history of questionable life decisions in his dossier who somehow avoided rape charges and media scrutiny this summer, I’ll stick to the basics. Here’s a list of reasons that 2010 isn’t exactly going to work out for the silver and black.
The Owner
It always starts with this turkey-necked shit hole, doesn’t it? Al Fucking Davis. (And, yes, his middle name is “Fucking.” Look it up.)
Everything else on this list is his fault. If you’re busy and don’t feel like reading this whole thing, you can stop at the sentence just before this one and say, “Got it. Now, I can go spend the rest of my day watching that horrible, horrible JK Wedding dance video again.” He’s the alpha, omega and likely the omicron of the Raiders’ problems.
Think of everything an owner can do to fuck a franchise over. Refuse to hire a front office because he thinks he can do it himself? Check. Get rid of every competent coach because they might challenge his authority? Done. Sign aging free agents for 12 times what they’re worth because he doesn’t understand the salary cap? In the book. Draft like a 12 year old? Yes, indeed. Walk around in black leather despite looking like a 1000 year old vampire cunt? Why not. Refuse to die or appoint a competent successor, despite the laws of nature? Absolutely.
I’ve said it a million times, but until this man’s handlers stop feeding him brains through a tube and let him die, the franchise is useless.
The Fans
Oh ho… but therein lies the problem, doesn’t it? You ever go out to a restaurant and see a kid over at the next table that’s an unfathomable shit? Maybe he’s pissing on the waiter’s toes or throwing bread at you. Maybe he’s inadvertently teaching your kids how to scream “fuck” at 80 decibels every ten seconds. What are you thinking? “Why can’t that kids parents put a muzzle on him? They’re enabling him.”
And this is the issue with the Raiders. Every asshole Walmart box stacker you see with a backward Raider cap on is financing this retarded machine. Not only are Raider fans the most unlikable, lowest functioning human strata on earth, but they seem to spend every dollar of their disposable income on team decals that they can stick in the back window of their lowriders. We’re a nation of losers, but our logo is cooler than the Bills’, so we’ve never forced the team to start making fiscally reasonable decisions or answer to anything other than Al Davis’ aged whimsy.
Congratulations, my co-dicks. We just pissed a few billion dollars away on an AARP endorsed defensive line, but you look hella boss in that silver and black bandana. Why don’t we all agree to stick new Raider flags on our trucks and throw a few million dollars up Matt Jones’ coked up asshole, if we can? Who’s with me? Raider up, bitches.
Can’t we all agree to just let the team go bankrupt and end this nightmare? We can all become Packer or Charger fans or something. Don’t disrupt the natural functioning of the market. Ron Paul is very concerned with you.
Quarterback
I’m sure JaMarcus Russell is a nice guy and a talented football player, but he’s also a fat fuck that costs $70 million dollars for no reason. I say we offer him a plate of pancakes (with extra syrup) to demand a trade to Jacksonville. If we’re going to lose a hundred games, I’d rather not finance his oncoming diabetes in the process.
On the positive side, he’s not Steve McNair.
Wide Receivers
And even if our quarterback wasn’t a human barrel, he’d still be throwing balls at the likes of Javon Walker (who has a mohawk), Johnnie Lee Higgins (who could be a serial killer) and Darius Heyward-Bey (who is not Michael Crabtree). If those guys catch anything outside of chlamydia this season, it’ll be a surprise.
You don’t want to know how much money those three guys are making, by the way.
Defense
I’m not an expert on football, nor am I the type of person that knows the X’s and O’s of game management, but I’m pretty sure the number one rule of defense is that you have to actually field one. You can’t just let every talented guy you have leave the team because you don’t like them anymore. Signing Nnamdi Asomugha for a jillion dollars may have been a funny way to fuck with play-by-play callers everywhere, but it’s not the kind of thing that allows for the flexibility you’d need to keep Gibril Wilson around.
I’m not looking forward to the first time I hear an announcer say, “Phillip Rivers drops back…. checks down to keep Assomonuggie tight on the line…. tosses it up the middle… Chris Chambers scores a touchdown again. Right now, the Raiders really wish they were able to put more than 8 guys on the field on defense. Holy shit. That was a bad plan. And… I’m being informed by the booth that I just said ’shit’ on TV. My apologies to the people at home.”
Coaching
We’re coached by a guy named Tom Cable. That’s not his porn name – that’s his actual name.
The Fact that It Was a Fumble
It was a fucking fumble. I know it was nearly a decade ago now, but it was still a fucking fumble.
